I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
