woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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