Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
