I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
