Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
