my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
