I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
