Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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