so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
