so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
