hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
