Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
