I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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