note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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