I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
