I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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