I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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