Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
