New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize