I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
