Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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