I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
