Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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