I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
