im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
