I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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