I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize