why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
did i walk over a car last night?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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