Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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