I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
