i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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