So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
