you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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