You really coming over, don't trick.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
