rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
