you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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