Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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