i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize