apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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