Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize