I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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