He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
