I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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