I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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