Me too!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
