I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
