i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
there is glitter all over my balls
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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