I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
