I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
