Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
