dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
