I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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