The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
