It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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