My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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