then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
