im about as happy as oj after his trial
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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