alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
