Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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