2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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