I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Girls should come with a carfax report
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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