he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
