I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize