I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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