I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize