don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
