i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
