I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
