im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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