maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
