I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
